general logs, thoughts, guts
#3 - early august
A word of advice to my fellow adhders out there: yes, when we say nicotine is a way we self-medicate, it is that deep. It is not a nice and cute way to say that we use the dopamine hit to do whatever and so on. It really is that deep.
I picked up my tobacco addiction when i was 18 and became a heavy smoker almost right away. This year, i finally had enough and weaned myself off. While i am rather pleased with the result, i do have to say that it has been a deeply interesting and unsettling ride to quit nicotine. The smoking part was hard, sure, but the nicotine part???? Every time my daily dose would go down (i quit through patches) i would find more and more old "bad habits" coming back to me. Now, i know i'm neurodivergent and have known for a long time, and i'm not interested in dressing a list for you here. However, i gotta say, my "level" of adhd (the level in which it is impacting my life would be more accurate) has definitely exploded since i quit nicotine and went from 28mg at my worst to 0. Anyway, i'm happy with the result -even though some days are easier than others adhd wise, and probably will look into getting medication in the future. But.
Words of advice, if you're a heavy smoker with adhd and thinking of quitting: brace yourself for the big changes in your way of functioning, during the first few months. Put your tobacco money towards the new hobbies you WILL develop interest in, and take it one day at a time. Finally, whenever your brain will try to tell you that it really wasn't that bad and one cigaret can't really hurt you that much (it will try to tell you that, believe me), do not trust that bitch, drink a glass of water and put on whatever show will have you in hyperfixation cause that will make you forget about the urge for sure!
#2 - mid july
My brother got maried this week-end.
I love that for him, it's amazing. His wife and himself are both wonderful, intelligent, and thoughtfull people. The ceremony and overall event was touching, full of symbolism, laughter, and reflection over which shared values they want to build their life together with. They are beautiful through and through.
The event was also the occasion for me to meet a lot of my brother's friends that i've only heard about until now. And what an experience it was. I discovered a lot of faces i didn't know my brother had. And it's not exactly surprising. I'm not the exact same person with him that i am with my friends. It's just rare, for us, to be confronted with the reality of that. With the fact that our identities are much more stain glass windows than they are walls - full of smaller pieces and shades that fit in together and build a larger image, where the passage of light and darkness makes the color take on slighthly different hues.
And i absolutely loved that. I loved discovering all of these things about him. I already love my brother a lot but I think i do so even more after this week-end. And he's surrounded by wonderful people with a lot of heart, which, in my opinion, means a lot about the kind of person my brother is.
This all bringed me back to the overall tension between the very human need to be known and loved and the fear a lot of us have at the idea that "no one really knows us". This idea that we, as humans, have to be perfect monoliths that adheres totally to the same description no matter who looks at us.
When we are so much more than that. So much more nuanced. I am so thankfull i got to see a few more sides of my brother. A few more ways sunlight shines through him. A bit more nuance than the shades i already knew of him. I'm looking forward to the next peekings i'll be able to get.
#1 - early july
So... Elephant in the room. My body aches. Like all the time. It's what it does, it's what it's been doing, always (at least that's how i remember it. memory really is the monster). I just took a long time to realize that it wasn't a normal thing. That for most people "i'm in pain" doesn't start at 5/10. It starts at 1. I'm still struggling with the realities of that.
I'm more and more forced to face the reality that I'm disabled. And please, when i write "i'm disabled" i need you to understand i'm fighting the urge to minimize that statement. To say i might be, or i think, or some days my pain disables me, or.... Or...
All ways to say 1) i don't feel legitimate in using this word 2) i don't want to. I don't want my reality to be that. And at the same time i'm dreaming of walking aids more often than i like lately.
I'm also walking an impossibly tight rope. I try. I try, to keep talking about it, to let my friends know, to... But at the same time, I'm tired of feeling this weak. Of being in pain. I'm tired of my body feeling this way. And i can't help but notice it's been worse. It's been worse and i never allowed myself to realize but it's been worse. Worse. Worse.
I'm scared. I'm only 25. So many people have it worse. But last night i talked to a guy about how i like to dance and that's a new thing for me and he told me how nice it was to be able to reconnect to our bodies this way. No? No, it's not? I like the part were i get to sleep better after dancing, but i don't want to reconnect with my pain. I like the catharsis of it all, but i hate how my knees scream at me for every jump and step. I didn't say any of that to the guy. It wasn't the place, nor the time. But i'm tired. And i want to be able to follow my friends down a hill without fighting the need to cry.
I wish this entry was nicer. I wish there was more hope involved. But as one of you in here said, sometimes those lil sites feel like screaming in the void, and sometimes that's what we need. To scream in the void a bit. Sorry i couldn't offer up more hope. I promise some is coming. Just not today. Today is for tears and desperation. Tomorow will be anger. Hope comes later down the road.
#0 - sometime june 2026
so... welcome i guess? anyway you can call me Ray. i'm writing not past my bed time because i try to keep a correct mental health. This is my first lil message on my quote unquote site that is not even posted yet but anyway. Shouthout to visual code for helping me not go crazy and to eggramen who's template i used as a base for building my css and everything because i'll be damned if i look at a 2 hour tutorial but staring at my 2nd screen for two hours and going crazy trying to understand why my box won't box makes more sense somehow. i'll call that the whoopsi doopsies but you can call that audhd if you like.